you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
