apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
