i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
