After last night, I could never be a politician.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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