I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
