I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
