Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize