my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
