I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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