You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
