just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
