No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
