fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize