That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
