just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize