you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
