we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
