he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
