I am puke
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
