Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
