I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
