I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
