Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
