Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
