she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
