I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
