I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
