Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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