im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
