I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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