i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize