U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
