Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
