Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
