I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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