tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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