You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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