Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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