what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We talked him into tasing himself.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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