Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize