Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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