I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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