So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
