It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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