Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
