Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
