Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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