Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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