god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
