Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
