Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
God, I missed his penis.
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