Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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