my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
