when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
