His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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