If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
