I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize