I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
