there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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