i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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