I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
whose ass print is on the piano?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize