What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
